Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

Another day in the Hillbilly Captial of the World, Athens, Ohio. The temperature, with the wind chill, is about -15 degrees of mercury on the Fahrenheit scale, making it approximately cold enough to freeze the balls off an Eskimo. Walking to class was like being shoved between two glaciers. In fact, I think I even SAW a glacier in the Hocking River. Of course, that may have just been a frozen corpse…

Not including the flock of penguins now maintaing a habitat on Court St., there has been one positive side-effect of the weather - the townies currently stay inside.

With the townies gone, there is much more elbow-room walking uptown. Also, there are no more tobacco stains on the sidewalk. In fact, besides the scary guy who plays the banjo for money uptown, I think the only people I saw today were professors and students. We have finally conquered the town! Muhahahaha!

Besides the weather, there was another interesting thing that has happened - fencing. That’s right, I went to my first fencing meeting last night. It was probably one of the most awesome things I have ever done in my entire life. I love it! What other sport gives you a sword and tells you to attack your opponent by any means possible? Except for basketball and Australian Mud-Wrestling, there are none.

There is one downside to fencing, I am suddenly getting the urge to challenge everybody I know to a duel. I wonder if duelling is still illegal in the United States?

I seem to be catching on to the basics of the sport quite well. Apparently there are 4 basic attacks: 1) the slash up and down, 2) the diagonal slashes, 3) the horizontal cuts and, 4) the ever-popular lunge. I think the hardest part of fencing is the foot-work. You have to keep your feet a certain way. Not only does it hurt (because never before have I used those muscles) but, it is a pain in the “ischial tuberosity”… that means ass.

Another thing that seemed a little difficult for me, being the gentleman that I try to be, was fighting a girl. The club has about an equal number of men to women. Maybe one or two more guys. The people who trained me were all girls, however. Initially, I felt bad about trying to “attack” them. That was until my first crotch shot.

I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what in the hell kind of adaptation is that kind of pain? When a guy gets his nuts cracked, there is nothing more painful in the world. Now, it seems to me like that is the worst defense mechanism ever created. You’d think God/Allah/Jupiter/Zeus/Ra/Monkeys wouldn’t have made it so painful to get hit there. How does it help the situation at all? Perhaps it is Mother Nature’s way of reminding us all to protect the family heritage. Whatever the cause, one thing is for sure. Nothing will change your views on fighting a girl faster than getting stabbed in the jewels. After that unfortunate moment, I never had another problem fencing against the opposite sex.