Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

Wednesday, it is.

The past two days have been “entertaining”. By that, I mean the balanced nature that was my life has been off kilter and I am slowly circling the whirlpool of my own porcelain giant. It is only a short while before I end up in the septic tank and that is when everything is “shit”. Actually, it’s not that bad, but I always take advantage of the fact that I don’t curse in real life - only on paper. Is that a bit hypocritical? Yes, very. That’s what makes me human. I say one thing and do another.

Right now, you, my loyal readers, are asking what is wrong, but I am sorry to say I cannot reveal the details. I think I’m going to write a script about it and turn it into a major motion picture. It’ll hit theaters near you in December 2006. Personally, I’m a little worried about how it will stand against Ron Howard’s sure-to-be blockbuster sequel, “How the Grinch Gave Back Christmas and Apologized Nicely”.

That reminds me, I am extremely worried about the Discovery Channel. Normally, you’d expect high-quality shows like “Raising the Bismarck”, and “Cleaning the Bismarck”, or even “How We Raised and Cleaned the Bismarck and Then Took it for a Spin to the Caribbean”, but those kinds of shows have not been on lately. No. Instead, Discovery Channel is now appealing to the abusive redneck demographic with such Emmy-winning ideas like “Monster Garage”. This is the show where, last week, they took a PT Cruiser and put a tree mulcher in it.

Wow. Way to go Discovery Channel. Looks like you’ve hit a homerun with that masterpiece.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if 5 minutes of the show wasn’t dedicated to watching a bunch of guys, beers in hand of course, standing around shooting fireworks at another guy popping wheelies on a Harley. Never before have I seen such a horrible abuse of programming. Needless to say, Roommate Ken loves “Monster Garage”. His favorite episode is where they took a Ford Mustang Cobra and turned it into a lawnmower. That’ll pick up chicks, let me tell you.

Although, I’m not really one to comment about picking up chicks. My batting record is about .003. Apparently Screech from Saved by the Bell is getting more action than me. Did anybody see that new show on E! Channel? Since I’ve bad-mouthed one cable network, I guess it’s time to go after the wounded animal of the herd: the E! Channel.

What kind of channel, besides Fox, would feature anything with Anna Nicole Smith? That show is the bottom of civilization. Also, what kind of respectable network uses an exclamation point in its title?

And, if you have to use a piece of punctuation, why choose the most horrible one of all? There are other options, you know. I’m partial to the comma, myself. Periods are quite excellent as well. Hell, I wouldn’t even mind a semi-colon every now and then. However, those are just not in the spirit of the E! Channel. No… the E! Channel has to find the most disgustingly overused piece of grammar, slap it on a television screen, and market it as “hip” and “new”.

Now, I will give the E! Channel a little respect because they have old SNL reruns.

To end on a good note, I will say that I answered a question right in History 103 today. My professor walked over to my desk during the lecture (I think he noticed I wasn’t there yesterday) and looked me right in the face and asked a question very loudly.

The Question: Who was supposed to win really quickly on the Serbian Front in WWI?

My Answer: Austrio-Hungary.

I am still a History God.