Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

It’s Saturday night.

If you haven’t been to Chuck E. Cheese’s since you were a kid, I highly suggest a visit is in order — if only to check out the observations I’m about to make for yourself. OK. I want to go on record here as stating that Chuck E. Cheese’s is legalized gambling for kids. I never made the connection until today when I went there for my niece Samantha’s birthday party.

First similarity: you can only use tokens to play the games. Poker chips? Anyone? Second similarity: sure, there is food and entertainment, but really it’s all there to bring you to the games. Third similarity: I dropped $20 in no time. Luckily, it was someone else’s money, so I didn’t feel too bad.

That sounds a little backwards. I probably SHOULD feel bad because it was someone else’s money. Oh well. I’m unethical.

Anyway, Chuck E. Cheese’s = legalized gambling. Remember that and check it out yourself because I am actually being truthful about this. I usually lie about stuff, but not this time. Watch the kids playing the games. They’re like little gambling addicts. It’s cute.

Also, you can always tell the kids who bring their bingo-playing grandparents. I saw this one girl who was, no kidding, 8 years old. That’s not unusual in Chuck E.’s Casino, but what was unusual, and funny I might add, was the girl’s grandma. She wouldn’t let her play this one game because, and this is a direct quote, “it doesn’t have a high enough payout.” When the girl stuck a token she just happened to be holding into the game (grandma was holding the rest) and won 14 tickets, her grandma grabbed her by the arm and said in a spiteful tone, “You got lucky that time. That game doesn’t require any skill. We’re not playing that one again.”

Grandma’s got a bit of a problem, kiddies.

I’m not exactly the best person to talk about gambling problems though, I guess. Mark (the guy my sister’s marrying) and I walked around like two high rollers. All we needed were suits, a couple of scotchs, some Eggs of Enlightenment and we would’ve been the Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn of Chuck E. Cheese’s.

We were so money. It was sweet.

You know that game I mentioned where the little girl played and won 14 tickets on? That was our bankroll. You could get 14 tickets every time if you knew what you were doing. Oh, and we certainly did. We cleaned both sides of that machine out of tickets. It was a beautiful, albeit sad, thing to watch.

We even figured out that the ticket counting machine counts half-tickets as whole ones. We ripped a few tickets to bump up our average a bit. Also, quite sad, but still beautiful.

In the end, our efforts paid off pretty well. We exchanged our tickets for a few toys that we gave to Samantha (the niece). She got a plastic purse, a pack of Smarties®, a rubber bracelet, an inkstamp with the Chuck E. Cheese logo, a small plastic thing that I still don’t understand the point of, and a pull-string helicopter.

If life is still the same as when I was a child, I’m almost positive all the toys were either broken or lost before Samantha even got home. Also, I’m pretty sure the display Smarties® were put on display before I was born.

Now, that’s class, baby.

UPDATE: I found this link while searching Google to find out out if the Chuck E. Cheese corporation was owned by Native Americans. It’s not related to that search (or really this entry) at all, but I thought it was kind of neat. Also, I’m not joking about the Indian thing. Almost wish I was.

Almost.