Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

Monday.

Well, the weekend is over. That generally happens on Mondays. I’ve never understood why Sunday is part of the whole weekend classification though. If you look on the calendar, it’s not at the end. In fact, it’s at the very front. On other calendars in most of the world, Sunday is pegged on at the end and Monday leads the week. Not in America though.

Maybe we feel as though we’d find it depressing if Monday were to start every week?

The weekend that I seem to be so fascinated with went by pretty quick. On Friday I did a bunch of stuff with Jason and Jacki. Saturday as well. Saturday was notable for one reason only: Bewitched.

Man, this is actually painful to think about again.

I went with Jason and Jacki to see Bewitched on Saturday night. We were looking for something to do and all 3 of us like Will Ferrell. The movie looked a bit contrived, yes, but it didn’t seem too horrible from the previews.

Actually, I never saw the previews. I made that up. Still, IT HAD WILL FERRELL IN IT! HE WAS IN ANCHORMAN! ANCHORMAN, I SAY!

When the movie started, Jason, Jacki and I prepared ourselves for something decent — one of those “feel good” movies Hollywood talks about a lot. We definitely didn’t expect art, but we didn’t expect, what I would call, a bowel movement on film. Unfortunately, we got the bowel movement.

Seriously, folks, I’m not accurately describing how horrible this movie was. In fact, I can’t. Words don’t even begin to describe the stinking abomination we saw projected onto a 50-ft. screen. It was life-changing. While watching it, I slowly began to hate babies. I like babies! This movie was bad. It filled my veins with bile, spit and vinegar. You could taste the pollution in the air that was discharged from the screen. My eyes and ears were awash in sick, disgusting, foul sewage.

In this scene, Will Ferrell worries about his career.

This is as close as I can get to creating a sense of what I felt. Vomit could literally have poured out of my nose — wet, nasty vomit with huge chunks of corn and spaghetti — and I would have been happier while watching this movie because I might’ve forgotten about it for a brief second while I focused on what was going on with my nose. It was HORRIBLE!!!

Enough of that though. Back to what I did.

Sunday — I helped Jason Rodriguez move into his new abode. He is living in Columbus right now as I type. This very instant, he could be in his apartment fixing popcorn or making a bologna sandwich. I find that amazing.

What’s even more amazing is that Jacki is in Columbus this very second too. Unlike with Jason, I don’t imagine her making food in her kitchen. Instead, she’s probably struggling to breathe because her ribs are being pushed in by the walls of her tiny, tiny apartment.

No, seriously — it’s TINY!

To state the obvious, that means the two friends with whom I usually hang out are gone. Question: What does this mean? Answer: I’ll probably be very, very bored. Luckily, I’ve got a few things planned for myself to forget about the boredom. One is visiting OU. I plan to do that sometime. Another is to invent an alternative fuel source because I should not feel lucky when I look at a sign on the interstate and see gas is only $2.65 a gallon. That’s still too expensive for me, man. I want gas that’s free. I think if there is any way we can hook that up we should do that.

Sadly, I’m about to use more of the precious fuel I have stored in my automobile. I just remembered I left my jacket at the movie theater when I went to see (the now infamous) Bewitched. You see, Jason, Jacki and I hated the movie so much, we left in the middle of it. We decided coffee would be more fun. During the “movie” I had my jacket resting on a chair and forgot to grab it because I was blinded by my hatred of Bewitched.

You know, on second thought, I didn’t just remember I left it at the theater because I called them while we were on our way home that night. When I remembered in the car, I originally wasn’t going to call the theater because I figured there was no point in going back. It was a lost cause. Jason made me realize that they probably have a Lost and Found box or something. And here I was just going to leave it behind.

What a poor Green Beret I’d make.