Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

It’s FRIDAY! (Or, Pizza Day in elementary school, thank you.)

I am currently sitting on my couch with the laptop in, of all places, my lap thinking about how I could possibly put into words everything that happened to me last night. Really, it’s quite difficult to even think about it. Not that it’s anything traumatic or even bad — very much the opposite. It’s one of those things that is almost too wonderful to put into words. I think I should try though.

Be warned: I get long-winded when I’m not excited about things. This could get out of hand pretty fast.

What Happened…

To put it simply, I rode a horse; oh, but it was so much more than that. Ecstasy describes it properly, I think.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. You see, a lot happened before the horse. In fact, A LOT happened before the horse. Oddly enough, all of it had to do with someone named Crystal.

Crystal is a friend of Jason’s — she’s his date to tonight’s movie night, actually. The two of us (Crystal and I) had never hung out before; I only knew her through Jason. One of those deals where you both know each other and have hung out, but never together, you know? But WAIT– Jason and Jacki are in Columbus right now so that means I don’t have any friends. Crystal was pretty bored herself and out of this mutual boredom, her and I decided to have a night out on the town to allieviate this problem.

The “night” actually started @ around 4 p.m. I needed to go to some thrift stores for a bit of high-class apparel. You see, my outer-garments were in need of an updating. To put it plainly, I needed some new shirts. I txt-ed Crystal to see if she was busy and she said, “No.” So, we left after I made her drive to my house. (I’m classy like that.)

We had a lot of fun in the stores. We only went to two. They were the Village Thrift Store and the Valley Thrift Store (no link — sorry). I found a bunch of cool things I’m going to wear when they are clean.

Oh, I almost forgot! On the way to the thrift stores, I managed to convince Crystal “Too Legit to Quit” by M.C. Hammer was my favorite song; this makes her the most gullible person I’ve ever met.

So, after a little trip to Wendy’s (go figure — me want Wendy’s?) and a somewhat lengthy drive on US Rt. 35 because PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE BLOODY LEFT LANE IS FOR, we arrived at my humble abode. We spent a long time in the stores because apparently I was in the mood to shop like an elderly widow, which means I looked over each item carefully and had to decide if I could spare taking a few dollars out of my pension for a few shirts. I’m absolutely positive Crystal was bored, but she held up well.

Anyway, we got to my house, left quickly, ran by my grandma’s, left there even quicker and headed south towards Germantown, OH. We pulled into a farm at around 7 o’clock. It was here my dreams came true.

I’ve ridden horses before. I took an entire class @ OU on horseback riding because I thought it would be something fun. The class was fun, but it was over a year ago. I had been wanting to ride a horse for a very long time, but I could never 1) find the time or 2) afford to rent one.

Aside: Actually, I had never thought about renting one. Is that possible? Can you rent-to-own a horse? Does anyone know the answer to this?

One of the first things I found out about Crystal was that she had a horse. That was about 3 months ago. The moment I found this out, I knew I had to use her to accomplish my goal of riding a horse again. I did that yesterday.

The farm we went to was your typical stable. Only, there were about 800 people there and everyone knew each other. It was kind of weird. When we pulled up, everyone said, “Hey, Crystal! Gonna ride Dreamer today?” She’d respond with, “No, but Shaun wants to,” and then they’d give me an evil glare and turn away. I was an outsider. It felt like the movie Footloose. Kind of. There was no dancing. Nor was there any Kevin Bacon (that’s probably for the best). In fact, that’s a horrible analogy. I think if my experience was anything it was Seabiscuit — without the international fame, of course.

I’m glad I finished the obligatory Seabiscuit joke in an entry about riding a horse. Now all I have to do is make some reference to falling off and getting back on.

So, I followed Crystal around while she went to get her horse and brought it back to the barn. We brushed it off a bit and had quite an ordeal trying to saddle the animal up. Eventually, we succeeded and she led him out to the round while my excitement over what was happening grew.

I had never jumped on a horse from the ground. In the class, we had always used a stepladder (insurance issues for the school and all). Crystal showed me what to do. I put my foot in the stirrup, hoisted myself up and over; I grabbed the reins. The horse’s nostrils flared and I kicked him to go forward and he walked in a circle.

I tamed a wild beast and rode him.

If it looks like we’re going slow, you are absolutely correct. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s running me into the fence on purpose.

A few little points of information that don’t fit anywhere else:

• I think Crystal should have named her horse Sunshine instead of Dreamer. Or, maybe Andy Dufrense (the guy from The Shawshank Redemption). I think that would be even better. Also acceptable is Mister Piggles.
• Crystal and I saw a crazy girl riding a horse bareback with two lead lines. I repeat: she was crazy.
• The stable owner has the most annoying kids in the entire world.
• One of the kids kept hitting Crystal with a riding crop, which I think is kind of funny.
• Everyone was amazed someone was actually going to ride [Mister Piggles]. Apparently, Crystal is neglectful of her animal.

At this point I had been riding in circles for a while and I was ready for some fun. I asked Crystal if there was someplace bigger I could go. She led me to the arena and that’s where I had my fun. I trotted around the arena kicking the horse and shouting, “Hya!” when I wanted it to go, and yelling “Whoa!” when I (frequently) wanted it to stop. The horse responded pretty well, but it was a bit stubborn. I can only imagine why — a large redhead was on top of him telling to go run when all he wanted to do was eat food and sleep. Crystal said she was amazed I wasn’t lying when I said I knew how to ride a horse.

I felt manly.

There I was mounted atop a (somewhat) wild stallion galloping (trotting really fast) through the wilderness (fenced-in area). If it seems like I’m not as excited as I should, that’s because I’m holding back. Here’s what I really want to say: I RODE A HORSE TODAY!!!! IT WAS BLOODY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I AM A MAN’S MAN!!!!!! ESTROGEN, BEWARE OF MY MIGHTY TESTOSTERONE!!!!!!!

Yeah. I think that sums up everything pretty well. After typing that, I feel like mixing concrete. I don’t know why. Just to, I guess.

Unfortunately, I’m still going slow in this picture.

Here, I almost ran over Crystal who took the picture. Perhaps I should stick to slow, eh?

After horseback riding, Crystal and I started to go home. We both ended up being in the mood for Blizzards® from Dairy Queen, however, so wound up in Brookville purchasing them. I got a Snickers® one. Also, I just realized the remaining part of it is still in my freezer. I believe I shall now go and finish it off.

In summation, I had a wonderful time with Crystal. It was exciting to do something new with someone new. Plans for tonight include seeing Corpse Bride with Jason, Jacki and Crystal. I cannot wait to see that movie. It will certainly be fantastic.

Just like the stupid horse.

OH!– something that’s not fantastic though. Saddle sores. They hurt. My rear is extremely sore. My legs and thighs feel like they are being constantly flexed. At least now I understand why in movies cowboys always meander around their towns.

It’s because they can barely move their legs from all the riding.