Shaun Lewis: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

Shaun’s Universal Guide to All Things Shaun

Who is Shaun Lewis?

The story of Shaun Lewis begins in a small and distant hamlet of Eastern Europe. Shaun was born on a cold November 22nd, 1916 without a father, being the consequence of a night of hot passion and mad love during World War I. His mother, a hooker, was one of the most well-known “ladies of the night” in southern Rumania. She made three-quarters of her income employing her feminine wiles on the many servicemen who traveled through the area; the other quarter was made selling doilies she sewed with her tired hands.

Shaun as a young lad in Rumania.

Growing up in a house of ill-repute was not difficult for young Shaun–it is, in fact, hardly ever difficult for men of the night like himself. There were, however, certain times the strain of the life took its toll on the poor boy. Although it has yet to be confirmed, many historians agree the most notable of these instances was during the so-called “Red Summer of 1932″ in which a young boy, quite probably Shaun, rampaged throughout the city of Tulcea in an orgy of blood and petty violence. Many history books recount the tale in graphic detail; what follows is an excerpt, by now famous to most Rumanians:

“There was a boy–a small boy–coming towards me. Initially, I thought nothing; who thinks a little boy is capable of the things that…we now know they are capable of. I called out to him and offered a piece of the chocolate bar I had stuffed inside the pocket of my trousers. He walked towards me, pulled out a gun and started shooting. There was no motivation, except his haterd of life. I ran, as everyone did, dodging bullets and scattered corpses. The visions of this boy, the child you call ‘Shaun,’ still haunt my dreams. I am a chronic bed-wetter.”

This man’s urine-stained mattress is a callous reminder of the carnage many had to bear during that fateful summer. The voices of the dead will never be silenced; the dead have invisible megaphones.

In autumn of 1932, Shaun was disowned by his mother, probably the result of his Tulcean rampage-–something no one can confirm. From the point of his expulsion there is sporadic evidence of his whereabouts in pre-WWII Europe. There are photos that show him inside the highest societies of the Turkish government; we also have letters, written to high-profile politicians in Germany, Russia, France, England, Moldova, Ukraine, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Japan, China, Bulgaria, Switzerland, and even the United States. Virtually every major power in the world seems to have had at least some contact with Mr. Lewis. The only explanation for this is simple; Shaun was a spy, operating for an unknown country.

There is evidence for this assertion. A March 1939 police report about a bar fight in the south of France reveals that a red-headed youth named Maurice S. Lewis (a.k.a. Shaun M. Lewis–same letters in the initials) broke the neck of a right-wing conspiracy group’s leader with one roundhouse kick to the head. Interesting enough, after arresting the man, the police immediately let him go. Subsequent to that isolated event, there is no evidence of Shaun’s location until a year later on March 13, 1940 when he joined the British Expeditionary Force under the pseudonym Sir Walter Lewis.

Sir Walter Lewis (a.k.a. Shaun Lewis) May 9, 1945.

Sir Walter Lewis had a very distinguished record in the service, participating in almost every major battle of the war. He was bestowed countless honors and awards, and after the conflict, Sir Lewis, now Major Lewis, found himself in the gay city of Paris speaking nothing but the most basic French. This setback, however, did not stop Shaun from founding several small timber companies and one cement factory, all of which ended up receiving contracts to aid in the reconstruction of Europe. By 1948, Shaun was the world’s wealthiest man and most eligible bachelor.

Shaun working with his timber company in 1946.

The business he was required to do between 1945 and 1948 brought him, on several times, to the United States of America, and by 1948 Shaun grew restless in Europe. He needed a change of scenery, and the United States offered him just that. After setting up shop briefly in New York in the late 1940s, Shaun traveled westward towards Idaho. In Idaho, he purchased a small chunk of land from a man named simply, “Bones,” and began to amass a sizeable farm that began with one-sixteenth of an acre in 1951 and ended with 5,000,000 sq. acres in 1953. The chief crop was, of course, potatoes. Idahoans had never seen such a rapid acquisition of land, and in 1954 unanimously elected Shaun governor.

Shaun’s reign as governor did not last long; he became ill with typhoid fever that winter. Facing charges of communism brought against him for his controversial book, entitled I am a Communist, Shaun sank into obscurity for the next 7 years. In 1961, he resurfaced with another book countering his previous; this one was titled Just Joking, I’m not a Communist: It’s Really Funny Because I Got You All So Good. Critics painted this book as a pathetic attempt at regaining the public’s trust; others just did not care. By 1961 television was taking its toll on the American public, so no one was reading books anymore. In fact, 9 out of 10 Americans, when asked what their favorite book was, responded with, “Book? Vot iz zis ‘book’ you speak of?” The manner in which this survery was carried out was seriously flawed because all who participated were evil ex-Nazi scientists with an eye for global enslavement, but the results still speak for themselves: Shaun was no longer in touch with the general public. Once again, he sank into obscurity.

Shaun’s controversial book.

Shaun’s OTHER controversial book.

The death of Shaun Lewis was nowhere near as exciting as the life. He died in 1973 a homeless man with only three possessions: his pot, his rice, and his cardboard home. Many would not even know this legendary figure’s name if it wasn’t for the meddling of a University of Chicago history professor, Dr. Silas Oprah. In 1994, he published a biography on the man, which began the heated debate over what was pure fact and what was mere fiction. Subsequent books followed and before long a motion picture, Arrgh! ‘Tis the Likes of Shaun the Pirate, was made. The next year: a better movie to correct the inaccuracies of the former.

The academic world is certainly still alive with the name of Shaun M. Lewis. Countless rumors indicate Dr. Oprah is in the process of writing another monumental biography, finally separating fact from fiction, reality from myth, and truth from legend. However, the story that has entertained and captivated the children and adults of the world is the story of a man named Shaun Lewis, with all the myth and legend left unscathed from academic review.